As I do on occasion I wiped my phone last night and started fresh. Prior to that I went through everything on it and was surprised to find how many old voicemails I had, some as far back as 2022, and I went to clean them up. Several were from my mom.

I listened to them, not really knowing what to expect since the transcriptions were either not there or so bad as to be worthless. Most of them were fine except the last one. It was almost exactly two years ago (on 9/9/24), and a month before she had her stroke. She was in rehab after her second fall, and called me because nobody was responding to the help button and she wanted me to call the front desk of the facility. She wasn’t feeling well and was scared. Listening to that hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t expect it and not sure that I’d be ready to hear it again at any point, let alone less than a year after she passed.

My mom was a very dynamic person, always busy helping others, and seeing her decline as she did, and not be able to do the things she loved, was horrible. The voicemail was a terrible reminder of increasingly bad times, that only got worse up until she passed. I don’t know if my reaction would be considered PTSD but it certainly felt like it; the worst feelings and anxiety I’ve had since February when it was all over.

The one silver lining: it was wonderful to hear her voice again on the ones that weren’t related to any trauma, the ones where it was just normal stuff she wanted to let me know. I miss her terribly.